


Alice Isn't Bread

by AughtPunk



Category: Alice Isn't Dead (Podcast), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/F, Loaf AU, Other, That's right, Time again!, Where people have bread babies, and the points don't matter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 10:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6420571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a stop at a familiar small desert town, The Driver finds herself with something she never expected: A tiny baby version of her made of coffee cake. That is freakin' adorable</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alice Isn't Bread

**Author's Note:**

> Do you have no idea what this is about? Then check out Carloaf on tumblr for a world filled with tiny adorable loaf babies: http://askcarloaf.tumblr.com/
> 
> All you need to know there's little golem like creatures that are made of bread who are filled with love and joy. Got it? Good. Let's roll out this convoy!

“Alice, I need to tell you about this coffee cake.”  
  
**_kzzrk_**  
  
“CAUSE WE GOT A LITTLE OLD CONVOY ROCKIN THROUGH THE NIGHT-”  
  
**_Xxrkkz_**  
  
“I’m no stranger to delivering cargo to small towns in the middle of nowhere. But this one? This one, Alice, had an Opera house! A real old one too! It looked like something out of a Gothic novel, with winged figures on the roof overlooking the desert around us. At first I figured they would want. Hmm. I’m not too sure what Opera houses need in bulk. Do they sell peanuts there? Well this one wanted light bulbs. Dozens and dozens of light ball cases in bulk. I guess you go through a lot of them when you have a stage to light up.  
  
The owner of the Opera house came out to meet me. She was this sweet old woman who reminded me of my own grandmother. You remember Nana, right Alice? You met her once right before the end. Her end. Not your’s. Not that you had one. Anyway, this little old lady invited me in for some refreshments while her employees emptied the truck. Normally I wouldn’t go for that sort of thing but the idea of non-grease based food sounded heavenly to me. So I-”  
  
**_Zrrk_**  
  
“Kutztown? Coots? Kootz? Cuts? How am I supposed to say that town name? Koooooots-”  
  
**_Zzzzzzzccckkk_**  
  
“Josie gave me a tall glass of lemonade and a slice of coffee cake. Alice. Alice, I need to tell you about this coffee cake. This was without a doubt the best coffee cake I’ve eaten in my life. I know that doesn’t sound important, but I’ve been eating pre-packaged coffee cake for breakfast for months. This wasn’t anything like those cold balls of yellow grease with cardboard on top. This coffee was the best thing I’ve tasted since I’ve begun this journey. I had seconds. Thirds! I would have had more but by then my truck was empty and I had to get on the road again. I guess Josie saw something in my eyes, because she gave me a slice of it for the road. I’m saving it for my traditional midnight snack tonight. I might even warm it up in the microwave at the motel, first. I know I know I sound crazy but this coffee cake! Wow. I mean. Wow.  
  
You know, now that I think about it her employees got my truck emptied really fast. Or maybe I was there longer than I thought. Time doesn’t seem to work the same in some places. The small white box Josie gave me is on the seat next to me. I can smell the cake from here-no. I’m going to be strong. I’ve been strong for so long. A single slice of cake won’t defeat me.”  
  
**_Kkccccczzzzk._**  
  
“HOLY FUCK ALICE THE COFFEE CAKE IS ALIVE HOLY FUCK FUCK IT’S ALIVE FUCK!”  
  
**_Zzzck_**  
  
“Okay. Okay. Alice. Alice. I’ve calmed down. The coffee cake is alive but I’ve calmed down. Okay. Okay. From the start.  
  
I opened up the box the old woman gave me, right? Well inside wasn’t a slice of coffee cake. It was this coffee cake…person? Doll? Not like a Barbie doll. More like a soft doll with tiny little arms, legs, a round stomach and a big cartoony head. But made out of raw dough. That’s right, it wasn’t cooked. Had the crumbs on top but it wasn’t cooked. I’ve been looking forward to this cake all day so I figured I would at least try to cook it in the microwave. So I popped it in for a few minutes and took it out when it started smelling like cinnamon.  
  
There it was. A tiny, adorable cake child. I almost didn’t want to eat it.  
  
Then it opened its eyes.”  
  
**_XXXXXKKKKKKZZZZ_**  
  
“Alice, I lied about not wanting a dog.”  
  
**_Zccccccccck_**  
  
“I admit it. I screamed. I screamed and hid in my truck. Unfortunately the, the thing had latched onto me so I sort of kept screaming. It took a few minutes to realize it wasn’t actually attacking me. It was just hanging onto the front of my shirt. Looking adorable. That’s when I actually looked at it and, okay, okay this is going to sound weirder than normal but I swear the little thing looks like me, Alice. If I was made of cake I mean. And if my hair was coffee cake crumbs instead of, well, hair. It’s asleep now in my overturn non-ironic ironic trucker hat in the seat next to me. A tiny little cake child that has my eyes. I wonder what it eats? I don’t think Google has the answer to that.”  
  
**_Cccckzzzz_**  
  
“Google had the answer. Some crazy conspiracy theorist website had the answer, actually. This little gal is known as a loaf. It is a living being made of bread that acts as sort of a child-pet? The crazy guy posted a whole lot of pictures of various loaves dressing up and playing. Pretty adorable stuff. I tried emailing him about it, but all I got in return was ranting about how roadmaps match the mysterious lights above so no help there. The good news is I got a list of food thing cutie eats. Did I just call it cutie? Wow. Bet you never thought you’d hear me say that, Alice. Heh. She needs a name. What do you name something made out of coffee cake?”  
  
**_Xxxxxxxxxzzzzzzzzk_**  
  
“I found some doll clothes that fit Ceecee at a thrift store. I even got a baby sized trucker hat for her even though it’s like three times as big as her head. But the crazy guy said she’d grow up to be around cat sized in a year or so. Ceecee hasn’t really formed any words but she likes to sing along with the radio. I still need to figure out a way to keep her safe while I’m driving. Maybe a baby seat? Or a cat carrier? Or-”  
  
**_Zzk_**  
  
“Alice, I lied about not wanting a dog. I would have loved a dog. Any dog! Small, big, hairy or short. But I told you I was allergic to them because I was afraid, Alice. I was so afraid for all of the wrong reasons. See, I was afraid you’d want to have a kid if we got a dog. I know. I know that doesn’t seem to make any sense but I’ve seen it time and time again with all of my other married friends. They bought a house, they got a dog, they had a kid. Always in that order. And as soon as the kid showed up everything changed. Not that it would be a bad thing, but there was change. And I didn’t want anything to change in our lives Alice. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to wake up to the smell of your coffee cake in the oven. I wanted to stay up late and fall asleep next to you while watching some terrible show on Netflix. I didn’t want to lose any of that. So I lied about being allergic. We didn’t get the dog. But we still changed. I’m sorry. I’m-”  
  
**_Kkkkkkkkkkkkczk_**  
  
“Ceecee called me Mama.”  
  
**_Zzzkkkkk_**  
  
“Ceecee said some words she picked up from the truck stop and now she’s not allowed to have a cookie before bed tonight. She’s getting so big, Alice. That baby trucker hat almost fits her perfectly now. Every night I tell her about you and everything I’ve seen on the road. And every night she kisses my cheek and says sweet dreams. I know this isn’t what having a child would have been like. Or a dog. But I think I like this change, too.”  
  
**_Cccckk_**  
  
“WE’RE GOING TO ROLL THIS TRUCKIN CONVOY CROSS THE USA! TAKE IT CEECEE!”  
  
“Conwooooooooooy!”  
  
“CONVOOOOOOOOOY!”  
  
“Conwoy! We gone! Bye bye!”  
  
**_Zzzcckk._**

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about the title, I had to.
> 
> And yes, the song they're singing is real. The 70's was a hell of a time.


End file.
